It eats away at you. It’s almost like a poison running through your body and, no matter how much you try to control it, you can’t. Eventually, you end up letting it out.
Now I’m not saying we all turn into the woman from Fatal Attraction and start boiling people’s pets, but we all do something stupid when we’re jealous.
I’m the first to admit that my jealousy stems from the fact that I’m really insecure and, afraid that someone is going to prefer other people to me, or is going to leave me and, so on. This resulted in me staying with someone, who wasn’t right for me, for seven years. I was afraid to be honest and go after what I really wanted.
I tend to find that most of the time, jealousy is irrational. I was once jealous of my friend just because she shared the same birthday as our favourite pop star. I’m not even kidding! In reality, it didn’t matter. I just felt that because they had the same birthday, they connected. I mean I was twelve, but even I know that’s ridiculous. I share my birthday with Will Smith and, as much as I’d loved for that to mean we’re connected; I know it doesn’t.
I have been suffering from jealousy recently. It’s pretty bad as well. Jealousy coupled with paranoid thoughts. For the most part, I can shake them off and know that I’m being stupid. But, there’s that little voice in the back of my head, that keeps saying “…but are you being stupid?”
I have no right to be jealous. We’ve had ‘the’ conversation and it’s not the right time. At first, I was okay with this and, felt all mature that I’d handled it so well. I accepted that I wouldn’t be hearing from this person much and so on.
However, when I see that this person is online, a part of me still hopes. And it is because of that hope, that I still get jealous and, can’t help but wonder.
Right now, I’m trying to find ways to deal with this. Comedy helps. Laughter really is the best medicine. I find watching stand up and things like Friends, does take your mind of it. And the next time you think about it, it doesn’t seem so bad.
That is until the high from the laughter has run out.
But for now, it’s better than nothing. And I’ll take that.