Jealousy…

It eats away at you. It’s almost like a poison running through your body and, no matter how much you try to control it, you can’t. Eventually, you end up letting it out.

Now I’m not saying we all turn into the woman from Fatal Attraction and start boiling people’s pets, but we all do something stupid when we’re jealous.

I’m the first to admit that my jealousy stems from the fact that I’m really insecure and, afraid that someone is going to prefer other people to me, or is going to leave me and, so on. This resulted in me staying with someone, who wasn’t right for me, for seven years. I was afraid to be honest and go after what I really wanted.

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I tend to find that most of the time, jealousy is irrational. I was once jealous of my friend just because she shared the same birthday as our favourite pop star. I’m not even kidding! In reality, it didn’t matter. I just felt that because they had the same birthday, they connected. I mean I was twelve, but even I know that’s ridiculous. I share my birthday with Will Smith and, as much as I’d loved for that to mean we’re connected; I know it doesn’t.

I have been suffering from jealousy recently. It’s pretty bad as well. Jealousy coupled with paranoid thoughts. For the most part, I can shake them off and know that I’m being stupid. But, there’s that little voice in the back of my head, that keeps saying “…but are you being stupid?”

I have no right to be jealous. We’ve had ‘the’ conversation and it’s not the right time. At first, I was okay with this and, felt all mature that I’d handled it so well. I accepted that I wouldn’t be hearing from this person much and so on.

However, when I see that this person is online, a part of me still hopes. And it is because of that hope, that I still get jealous and, can’t help but wonder.

images (3)Right now, I’m trying to find ways to deal with this. Comedy helps. Laughter really is the best medicine. I find watching stand up and things like Friends, does take your mind of it. And the next time you think about it, it doesn’t seem so bad.

That is until the high from the laughter has run out.

But for now, it’s better than nothing. And I’ll take that.

x

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5 thoughts on “Jealousy…

  1. Spirit tells me that jealousy is a belief that there’s not enough to go around. “I must keep you to myself, because if I don’t there won’t be enough love, time or attention for me”.
    Blessings…

  2. No you are not stupid. Jealousy is a tough one. You seem very thoughtful and I’m sure you’ll figure it out and eventually integrate the ability not to be jealous. You are planting the seeds for it already and all it takes is practice. How much is up to you.

    Sometimes getting a ways through life and noticing things helps. I used to have some of those feelings too. But then I started looking around and you know what? Everyone has problems. Love issues, relationship issues, housing issues, mental/emotional issues, illness, death, whatever. Famous people get sick and die, sometimes committing suicide. The rich peeps also have domestic violence and relationship issues. I’m 56 and have developed fibromyalgia and can’t work (luckily my husband is also senior in his career). I’m overweight, where I used to be nicely curvy. I’ve looked at “hot” young women (sometimes cursing them for the donut or pile of fries they are eating) and “hot” young men who don’t look at me anymore and felt bad. (Although some men just under my age and older do seem to notice. :)) But you know what? I did all that, as if it matters. I know people like that who have died young. I’ve had a full life already, with a loving family, two now grown children, divorce and remarriage but they both have been/are wonderful men, romance in between, and tons of international travel in my 40s with my current husband. My fiction and poetry have won small awards. I have three blogs going, and I’ve done some pro bono work for a cause that’s important to me. I’ve been wanting to volunteer at a homeless shelter; even that level of commitment is impossible for me right now, so I get pleasure from giving people on the street food I happen to have in the car or on me. I have friends, some close. And even in illness I have many blessings, more experiences, and plan to do more. I’ve even learned a lot being sick.

    I’ve found it’s not logical to be jealous of anyone. You get this, I can see. You can integrate this too.

    Hugs to you.

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