Dear Mum

On Saturday night, you rang me drunk and told me you never wanted to see me again. That I was not welcome in your house and that you would hit me, if you saw me in the house.

This is not the first time you’ve phoned me when you’re drunk to have a go at me. And I know it won’t be the last.

For as long as I can remember you’ve always drank. True, you only do it at night and most of the time, it doesn’t affect your day to day life. You go to work, come home and clean the house, prepare meals, you raised two kids. But every night, you drink.

You can’t handle your drink either. I use to tiptoe around you at night, scared of what mood the alcohol would put you in that night. I will admit you have gotten a lot better with this. It still happens every Christmas, but admittedly Christmas is an emotional time.

I’ve tried to help you for as long as I can remember. I give you money, I buy you things, I moved home after University when all I wanted to do was stay in Chester.

Even now when I live in my own house with Jordan, I keep trying to please you. I pay for your car every month. I give you money knowing I will not see it again. Do you know how many arguments you cause? I’ve had so many people tell me to stop it, but I won’t. I can’t. You’re my mum.

You hold a grudge for a very long time and I wish you could realise that it’s not worth it and use that energy for something good instead.

I know things won’t change. I’ve accepted that but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you. Like you’re Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I’ve accepted that we are never going to have the perfect mother daughter relationship. We will never be Lorelai and Rory. I will never confide in you the way a daughter should be able to confide in their mum. I’m scared that I will turn into you and it does put me off having kids. I don’t want them to feel the way I did growing up.

Despite everything you say and do to me, all I want to do is please you. Which is why it hurts so much when you criticise me and nit pick and make me feel like I’m still a child.

I’m not a child and I know what I’m doing.

 

We’re okay again now. Until the next time.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Dear Mum

  1. My iniitial reaction: that is SO very sad… On a more sobering note : People do actually die from persistent drinking, even those, from my own experience, who do not drink THAT much. Even when doctors advise pserosis of the liver, and to give up quickly(!) – perhaps there is still a chance for this ‘Mum’ ??

  2. So sorry you did not get what you needed from your mum. Not only did you not get what you needed from her, you had to endure the consequences of her dysfunctional behavior. Know you are not alone, and that healing begins with awareness tempered by empathy and compassion for your mum and for yourself.

  3. This post is so sad, tragic really. You still love your mother and help her and try to please her although she is so nasty to you when she is drinking. You crave your mother’s affection but it doesn’t sound like she is capable of giving it. My mother was abusive towards me when I was a child and young adult. She died without there being any reconciliation or healing in our relationship. But I still, every week, dream that I am visiting her in Jamaica and that we are getting on brilliantly. I am always struggling to pack my cases and desperate not to leave her. That child’s desire for the love of the parent, especially the mother, is just unshakeable.

  4. Wow I’m so sorry you aren’t close to your mum this makes me so sad. If anything is a consolation if you have children it will drive you be a better mum then you have and it will make you closer to your children should you ever have any x

  5. I know this pain, this pattern, too well. Both my parents are alcoholics. My father has alcohol related dementia, and my mother has vascular dementia. Painful. My heart goes out to you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s