Dear Mum

On Saturday night, you rang me drunk and told me you never wanted to see me again. That I was not welcome in your house and that you would hit me, if you saw me in the house.

This is not the first time you’ve phoned me when you’re drunk to have a go at me. And I know it won’t be the last.

For as long as I can remember you’ve always drank. True, you only do it at night and most of the time, it doesn’t affect your day to day life. You go to work, come home and clean the house, prepare meals, you raised two kids. But every night, you drink.

You can’t handle your drink either. I use to tiptoe around you at night, scared of what mood the alcohol would put you in that night. I will admit you have gotten a lot better with this. It still happens every Christmas, but admittedly Christmas is an emotional time.

I’ve tried to help you for as long as I can remember. I give you money, I buy you things, I moved home after University when all I wanted to do was stay in Chester.

Even now when I live in my own house with Jordan, I keep trying to please you. I pay for your car every month. I give you money knowing I will not see it again. Do you know how many arguments you cause? I’ve had so many people tell me to stop it, but I won’t. I can’t. You’re my mum.

You hold a grudge for a very long time and I wish you could realise that it’s not worth it and use that energy for something good instead.

I know things won’t change. I’ve accepted that but it doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you. Like you’re Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I’ve accepted that we are never going to have the perfect mother daughter relationship. We will never be Lorelai and Rory. I will never confide in you the way a daughter should be able to confide in their mum. I’m scared that I will turn into you and it does put me off having kids. I don’t want them to feel the way I did growing up.

Despite everything you say and do to me, all I want to do is please you. Which is why it hurts so much when you criticise me and nit pick and make me feel like I’m still a child.

I’m not a child and I know what I’m doing.

 

We’re okay again now. Until the next time.

Ebooks VS Books

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Since E-Books first came out, I was against them. I’ve always preferred to actually hold a book, to be able to enjoy the smell of a new or very old book. So, when everyone was telling me to get a Kindle and my Dad was offering to buy me one, I kept refusing it. That was until this year, when two people I knew got a Kindle and a Kobo and I found myself starting to waiver in my opinion of E-Books. Two months later, I had a Kindle and I can’t deny the fact that it has been pretty useful.

However, owning a Kindle takes out some of the fun having buying and owning books. I like the fact that when people come around to mine, they will see all the books I own. They will see three bookcases full of every genre of books you could possibly think of. And, I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that. Whenever I’m in someone else’s house/bedroom I’m looking at the books they owned and seeing if they have any that I’ve read. This is a great conversation starter, especially with people you don’t know that well. You see you have something in common and you can start a conversation. But with a Kindle you can’t do that. No one knows what books you have on your Kindle, your friends might not have a Kindle, so it’s not really a social thing to do.

What I mean by this is that it’s harder to engage in conversations about books when a person won’t know what books you own. I like the fact that when people see my books, they will see that I have every Jane Austen book, that I have bookcase dedicated to History books, I like them to see my collection of Churchill Books. It’s taken me years to get the collection of books that I have today. I’m only twenty years old and I know my collection will keep growing.

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Saying that, I am starting to appreciate having a Kindle. Mainly because Some Classics have quite small font in written form, so having it on a Kindle where you can change the size of the font which valuable for a person with poor eyesight and who struggles to read small print books for a long time. I did this when I was reading Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. If I hadn’t got the book on Kindle, it would have definitely taken me more than a week to read it.

What worries me about the Kindle is that people will buy books electronically rather than from a bookshop. For me, half the fun of getting it book is going to the shop and browsing through the shelves, looking at the books that have just come in, trying to decide if I should buy the book that I’ve been wanting to read for months or wait a little longer and get it as a present.

As Kindles become more and more popular, we won’t be able to do this anymore, which makes me sad. When I think that future generations are going to pick up an electronic device first and miss out on going to libraries and bookshops and spending hours looking for the perfect book. Whereas younger people will just go straight to the internet and download what they want. It’s not the same and that’s a shame.

As much as I support the Kindle and E-Books – At the end of the day, reading is reading and if Kindles are getting more people reading, that’s a good thing. But if you tell your friend about an amazing book you read, you can’t lend it them because it’s on a Kindle and not in paper form. Which is kind of sad, I think.

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For me, being able to tell people that a book is amazing and being able to lend it to them and then talk to them about it, is half the fun of reading it and not being able to lend someone a book that I thought they love, is disappointing. Books are meant to be shared and enjoyed by everyone.

As long as I can afford to, I will always buy paperbacks over E-Books. I like seeing the books on my bookcase and being able to show people that I have that book, makes me quite happy.

New Years Eve.

I’m going to start by introducing myself – sort of.

This is not my first blog. I have another one under the username ‘http://shemovesinherownway91.wordpress.com/.’ I went on it today for the first time in about six months to see that I still have a regular amount of viewers. I’ve decided that it’ll be easier for me to just start a new blog rather than try and revive that one. Having said that I will probably bring some of those blog posts on to here at some point.

So today is the last ever day of 2013.  A lot of people will be reflecting on the last twelve months and thinking of ways to improve and make 2014 the best year yet. On the whole my 2013 was very mixed. I got engaged (yay!) and I graduated with a 2:1 from University. But I also made and lost friends very quickly, I was incredibly unhappy in a job that I had to keep until September – No one will ever understand how happy I was the day I put my notice in!

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Overall I learnt a lot about myself and, I hate to say it, but the majority of what I learnt wasn’t good. I look back and think I wasted so much time worrying about small little things that I wouldn’t even think twice about now. I didn’t take the opportunity to really get to know people when I should have done. I isolated certain people because I was jealous/scared of what they might do.

I’m not one for ever saying things like ‘2014 is my year’ etc. I don’t like the typical cheesy things everyone says every single year. So for me, what I’m going to say is; 2014 is the chance to try things differently and see how they work out.

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For me and all historians it will be an exciting year, as it will be the centenary of World War One. An event that I am looking forward to getting stuck into – I’ve even been buying more books in preparation!

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There is also some games or something happening in Glasgow at some point, right?

Anyway. they will be hundreds of exciting things happening in 2014 and I’m sure we’ll all find something to enjoy in the next 365 days, so Happy New Year!!

Happy-New-Year

P.S: Don’t drink and drive!!