Competitiveness

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always hated competitions.

When I say I hate competitions, I don’t just mean I hated sports day at school (I did though). I have always found that there is always someone better than me. Or someone who knows exactly how to play on my insecurities in order to beat me.

I remember being in primary school and it was sports day. Neither of my parents were there due to work (sadly something that happened a lot). I was doing the bean bag race and I wasn’t very good. The headteacher gave me a card for effort though. I gave this to my team lead and went and hid at the back. My team didn’t win and it stayed that way all through secondary school as well.

The only thing I ever did seem to get is merits for doing well in certain subjects, but as I wasn’t the only one who got these and other people got more than me. ¬†You needed to get six good slips per merit. At one point, I was so embarrassed I wouldn’t even hand my good slips in just to avoid that conversation in front of my entire form. I think this must have cost me a half a dozen merits or so at school.

I was badly bullied at school and as I got older, this bullying just turned into girls bitching about me behind my back. I’m not going to say I haven’t done this myself, but I’m the kind of person you either love or you hate and most people tend to dislike me.

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with competitiveness. Well, people always want to be better than you and want to make feel you small. This is something I feel a lot.

I don’t like it when people try and make competitions out of things, because I’m never good enough and people like to gloat. Even if I try, I know it won’t be enough so what’s the point? All that happens, is that I get left feeling deflated.

Competition comes in different forms. People compete over who have the best car, most money, holidays etc. Some people want to show off what they have got to make you feel worse. This is the kind of competitiveness that really stings for me.

Growing up, we didn’t always have a lot. I’m not saying that I went without, because I didn’t. Between my parents and grandparents I was pretty spoilt. But there was a limit to this. We didn’t have fancy holidays abroad and I couldn’t have all the merchandise for all the books, films etc that I was obsessed with.

This made it really hard when you see other people with this stuff. I would have done anything to be able to go to all the concerts I wanted and collect all the merchandise I could.

This still stands today. I can afford to buy a lot more, but bills and stuff still come first. It kills me when I see things on Facebook sometimes. Especially when you feel like they are doing it deliberately to show off.

It makes me want to withdraw and not tell anyone anything. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

 

 

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Jealousy…

It eats away at you. It’s almost like a poison running through your body and, no matter how much you try to control it, you can’t. Eventually, you end up letting it out.

Now I’m not saying we all turn into the woman from Fatal Attraction and start boiling people’s pets, but we all do something stupid when we’re jealous.

I’m the first to admit that my jealousy stems from the fact that I’m really insecure and, afraid that someone is going to prefer other people to me, or is going to leave me and, so on. This resulted in me staying with someone, who wasn’t right for me, for seven years. I was afraid to be honest and go after what I really wanted.

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I tend to find that most of the time, jealousy is irrational. I was once jealous of my friend just because she shared the same birthday as our favourite pop star. I’m not even kidding! In reality, it didn’t matter. I just felt that because they had the same birthday, they connected. I mean I was twelve, but even I know that’s ridiculous. I share my birthday with Will Smith and, as much as I’d loved for that to mean we’re connected; I know it doesn’t.

I have been suffering from jealousy recently. It’s pretty bad as well. Jealousy coupled with paranoid thoughts. For the most part, I can shake them off and know that I’m being stupid. But, there’s that little voice in the back of my head, that keeps saying “…but are you being stupid?”

I have no right to be jealous. We’ve had ‘the’ conversation and it’s not the right time. At first, I was okay with this and, felt all mature that I’d handled it so well. I accepted that I wouldn’t be hearing from this person much and so on.

However, when I see that this person is online, a part of me still hopes. And it is because of that hope, that I still get jealous and, can’t help but wonder.

images (3)Right now, I’m trying to find ways to deal with this. Comedy helps. Laughter really is the best medicine. I find watching stand up and things like Friends, does take your mind of it. And the next time you think about it, it doesn’t seem so bad.

That is until the high from the laughter has run out.

But for now, it’s better than nothing. And I’ll take that.

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