People.

I remember when I was in primary school, I think I was eight or nine and it was nearly my birthday, my mum said I could have friends round for tea. I was so excited.

The next day I went to school and I asked about half a dozen people if they wanted to come. By the end of the week, I think nearly all of them had an excuse not to attend. I don’t know if the excuses were genuine or not, but I remember the feeling of having to go home and tell my mum. I was devastated.

Over the years, I have tried to arrange get together’s and parties and day’s out, but the same thing seems to keep happening.

It happened on my 21st. My best friends weren’t there. It was me, my ex and some of his friends. Admittedly that was the night I met Jordan and fast forward four years and we’re now living together, but still. I felt so alone.

Somehow over the years, I have just found it easier to keep everyone at arm’s length. That way I can’t be disappointed. I don’t like getting close to people, because they will just find someone better eventually.

I say that I just don’t like people. I like to do my own thing. Which is true, I do like my own space and to just get on with things. I don’t want to be relying on other people.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t get jealous of all the fun other people have. I feel like sometimes I’m just watching from the sidelines and I never get the chance to be part of the fun. I just want to fit in. To be part of the group.

Every time that I think this is finally about to happen, that I’m going to have what I want, it all comes crashing down around me. Maybe I put too much pressure on it, maybe I expect too much and because of that I’m always going to be disappointed.

I just can’t help but feel like I’m always second best.

I remember when I was at College, I had a big argument with my boyfriend and I was in tears walking through town. I text my best friend asking if she was still in town, she text back saying she was already on her way home. Five minutes later I saw her sat on a bench with some friends. She didn’t see me, but I just remember feeling so lonely. I had no one to speak to and I blamed myself. I wasn’t important enough.

I know that as we get older, our priorities change and work, relationships and so on, just get in the way but it doesn’t change the way I feel. When it’s someone’s birthday, I always remember and go to the party. When someone gets married, I buy them a present. I guess I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

I think social media makes it even worse though. You can get all the likes on Facebook or Instagram but it’s not the same as someone actually making the effort to spend some time with you. I don’t understand the people that have hundreds of friends on Facebook. How can you honestly say you are friends with all those people?

Maybe it is my fault. I was painfully shy in primary school and didn’t really improve until College. By that point though, I had a barrier up and I didn’t let many people through it.

Right now I feel that a lot of people only put up with me because of Jordan. Everybody loves Jordan. I love Jordan. Sometimes I feel that I only get invited because of him though and that his friends don’t really want me there. I feel like I finally have the opportunity to have the group of friends that throw parties and go out places, but that I don’t fit in.

Right now, I just want to stay away from everyone. This is what always happens. I get excited, plan something and then it all goes wrong and that barrier goes back up. I push those people away and then I have to warm up to them again.

I have missed out on so much because I didn’t do all the teenage things others did. I didn’t go out drinking at University, I didn’t make the friendships that other people did. And now I feel like I’m trying to catch up. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do.

Some people I work with keep trying to reach out to me. I’m currently stuck between wanting to get to know them better and wanting to run and bury my head in the sand so that I can’t be hurt again.

Maybe I’m overthinking it. Maybe I’m just not good enough. I don’t know.

It’s my birthday next month. Generally speaking I don’t enjoy birthdays. From the age of 17 until I was 23, my birthdays were not great. It was a mixture of my parents splitting up, a rubbish boyfriend and constantly just feeling alone. I’m not very good at explaining to Jordan what’s wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever told him why each birthday was bad. I don’t like opening old wounds.

I can’t complain though, when it comes to birthday’s Jordan is pretty good. I’m lucky I have him.

 

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Competitiveness

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always hated competitions.

When I say I hate competitions, I don’t just mean I hated sports day at school (I did though). I have always found that there is always someone better than me. Or someone who knows exactly how to play on my insecurities in order to beat me.

I remember being in primary school and it was sports day. Neither of my parents were there due to work (sadly something that happened a lot). I was doing the bean bag race and I wasn’t very good. The headteacher gave me a card for effort though. I gave this to my team lead and went and hid at the back. My team didn’t win and it stayed that way all through secondary school as well.

The only thing I ever did seem to get is merits for doing well in certain subjects, but as I wasn’t the only one who got these and other people got more than me.  You needed to get six good slips per merit. At one point, I was so embarrassed I wouldn’t even hand my good slips in just to avoid that conversation in front of my entire form. I think this must have cost me a half a dozen merits or so at school.

I was badly bullied at school and as I got older, this bullying just turned into girls bitching about me behind my back. I’m not going to say I haven’t done this myself, but I’m the kind of person you either love or you hate and most people tend to dislike me.

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with competitiveness. Well, people always want to be better than you and want to make feel you small. This is something I feel a lot.

I don’t like it when people try and make competitions out of things, because I’m never good enough and people like to gloat. Even if I try, I know it won’t be enough so what’s the point? All that happens, is that I get left feeling deflated.

Competition comes in different forms. People compete over who have the best car, most money, holidays etc. Some people want to show off what they have got to make you feel worse. This is the kind of competitiveness that really stings for me.

Growing up, we didn’t always have a lot. I’m not saying that I went without, because I didn’t. Between my parents and grandparents I was pretty spoilt. But there was a limit to this. We didn’t have fancy holidays abroad and I couldn’t have all the merchandise for all the books, films etc that I was obsessed with.

This made it really hard when you see other people with this stuff. I would have done anything to be able to go to all the concerts I wanted and collect all the merchandise I could.

This still stands today. I can afford to buy a lot more, but bills and stuff still come first. It kills me when I see things on Facebook sometimes. Especially when you feel like they are doing it deliberately to show off.

It makes me want to withdraw and not tell anyone anything. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

 

 

Fact of the day: 6th January 2014.

On this day in 1540 King Henry VIII married Anne of Cleves.

henry_viii

Anyone who can remember their primary school history lessons should remember that Anne of Cleves was Henry VIII’s fourth wife. As the rhyme goes, ‘Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.’ This means that Anne of Cleves was divorced from Henry VIII, only seven short months after they were married.

henry8_wives

Henry VIII had doubts about the marriage but went ahead with it anyway. However, he never consummated the marriage and when questioned about the possibility of his impotence, he made it clear to his physician that this was not case (in other words, he told his Doctor that he was having wet dreams – oh my!)

Anne of Cleves consented to the annulment which took place on the 9th July 1940. After the annulment, she was well looked after. She received the title of the King’s Beloved Sister and was given a generous settlement.

A Miniature of Anne of Cleves

Anne of Cleves outlived the King and all his wives, living long enough to see the coronation of Queen Mary I.